I'm near, therefore I am...

Disclaimer: I know that I said that this would be an apolitical blog. The views here aren't supposed to be political, but comedic.

While I was watching the Republican Convention the other day, CNN was interviewing a Gov. Huntsman (of Utah, I think). This guy was gushing on and on that since Alaska was close to Russia and next to Canada, then Gov. Palin had serious foreign relations credentials, even though she has never left the country! Duh! If being in close proximity of something gives you expertise with it, then I'm wasting my time riding trains! It seems that, using the Republican model, I've assimilated some major knowledge.

For instance, I'm writing this in a motel that's a quarter mile from Midway Airport in Chicago. That makes me an expert on the entire air line industry! (Overbook all flights, gouge the passengers and file bankruptcy whenever its time to negotiate with labor.) On Monday, a jet flew right over me as it was coming in for a landing while I was on my walk. It was close enough to make me able to pilot it! (Full flaps Scotty!)

Last week, I had a check-up and sat in the doctor's waiting room for 25 minutes. I know I "Palined" a ton of medical know-how during the wait. I will be taking appointments next week. I need to ask Gov. Palin, though, if I can write M.D. after my name too. Should be O.K. (That shanker on your butt? Take 2 Advil and say 3 Hail Mary's.)

Sometimes, this philosophy brings more responsibility than I'm willing to accept. On my walk in Chicago, I passed by a place called "Midway Colo-Rectal Clinic". I don't even want to know what I could've learned there! (No, that is not my finger!) I've been to Washington D.C. Doesn't that make me an expert about everything? (WMD really meant: Dubya's a Mean Dude.) I've driven through Nashville so I should know all about Country Music. (Is there a Grandma Jones?) Been to Charlotte, Atlanta, Indy and once drove by Michigan International Speedway so that makes me a NASCAR expert. (Dick Trickle is still my favorite driver!"

But, it seems that even I can't be infused with all the local knowledge of everywhere I go. I was stationed near Boston in the Army. Yet, I still can't explain why they elected Mitt the governor! I've been to New Jersey but don't know the first thing about making mob hits! I've been to Philly but can't explain why they use Cheez-Wiz on the cheesesteaks. I've been to Detroit twice and still can't figure out why it isn't a ghost town. Could it be I didn't "Palin" the information there like I should have? Could it be that the whole "Palin effect" of information gathering is a real crock?

Well, I'll tell you. I've been to Wasilla, Alaska. Two of my brothers used to live there. While I was there, I never had the urge to wear mukluks or say "Ay" at the end of every sentence. I was not infused with any sudden insights about Russia or Canada. How could that be? I should be the foreign relations expert! I should be the Vice Presidential nominee! Oh wait. I was never in a beauty pageant. I hope the governor has the same finish in this beauty pageant that she had in her first one!