Sunday, September 21, 2008

Oaf of Office

In this election year, I'm sure that you have seen about all the political ads you can stand. I'm sure that most of the politicians running for office have a specific plan to get themselves elected. The ones who know what they're doing get elected and the rest yell for a recount. If you ever listen to them, you would notice that they all have a regular stump speech they give over and over. The real trick to winning is to write a first class stump speech and ride that pony all the way to election day. Good stump speeches can be generic and be used for just about any office sought. Karl Rove is known for supplying Bush with one that got him elected twice. It was a beauty. Made a war hero look like a traitor and a draft dodger look like a patriot. Is America great or what?

I've been giving some thought to what my stump speech would sound like if I ran for office. Maybe something like this:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming today. I am very happy to have this opportunity to talk to you about the upcoming election. My worthwhile opponent couldn't make it tonight. The Communist Party meeting must have ran long. Or, maybe that foreign car of his broke down. Doesn't matter. You probably couldn't understand his slurred speech anyway!

"I want to represent you because I embody your values. I go to a church with a white preacher who doesn't bad mouth the U.S.A. like what's-his-name's does. Every weekend, my church group goes hunting with our automatic rifles before we watch the NASCAR race. My opponent and his PETA friends looked to adopt a skunk before they went to his brother's gay wedding. As you can see, my hair is well groomed while he has a greasy mullet.

"He'll take your gun! I'll go shooting beer cans with you! He'll raise your taxes, I'll spend 'em. He'll do anything to get elected. He even speaks Mexican. I only speak American and if you don't like it, go back to where you came from!

"As you know, my opponent is a lawyer. He's probably chasing an ambulance as we speak. I'm no such thing. I work for a living. It takes real guts to work the night shift at the Quik-Mart! Let my guts work for you too!

"The other day, this bozo I'm running against was whining on and on about the poor education system we got. Heck, my kids got through it O.K. His must be a couple of dopes.

"There's a good reason why my opponent isn't running on his record. Its because his record includes wife beating, kicking his dog and wienie wagging in public. He's been in jail. I've never been caught!

"In conclusion, I'd like you to know that I'm not running for office because I'm power hungry like what's-his-name. I'm only running because it was my mom's wish that one of her boys could make it to the state house instead of the state farm."

Yeah, armed with this baby, I can't lose. I ought to run for Congress because I'd hate to waste this speech on a local election! And, if I run, I have some more great ideas! For the debate, I'll wear a "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt. Maybe change my name to Abraham Lincoln...


Shannon said...

This color is MUCH better :o)

fuzbukt said...

Damn, Max, almost the perfect speech for the redneck crowd.

You did leave out the dog and the truck (with a gun rack, of course).

You did get motherhood in there but you forgot apple pie.

fuzbukt said...

Yo, Max, I just told Jen you have a very fertile mind.....

Then, I started thinking about that....

Well, I will let you take it from there....