Friday, January 30, 2009

Yo! Prez! Talk to Maxie...

I read the other day where President Obama's (Doesn't that just roll off your tongue?) transition team is on the lookout for smart and effective administrators to replace the mindless bureaucrats of the Bush administration. Where do I volunteer? I can be as mindless as the next guy! As a matter of fact, I have taken great pride in my ability to exist nicely without engaging my mind at all! In the past, the Bush administration handled problems by reclassifying the problem to be an "opportunity" then ignoring it. I can ignore it without all that reclassifying crap.

Yeah, I'm sure that you are muttering to yourself that I may not be the stiffest collar in the shirt drawer or the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but jeez, look what I have to live up to. The bozos of the last eight years have lowered the bar all the way to the ground! I could be a street corner bum, in diapers, with a bottle of Thunderbird in my hand and I'd still be able to run FEMA better than "Brownie".

Just what jobs do I think I could handle? Plenty. Make me a procurement officer for the government. I ought to be able to find a toilet seat for less than $1000 or a wrench for less than $5000. See, I'm already saving the government big bucks. Make me a low-level functionary in the Fort Wayne office for, say $130,000/year and I'll be there 3 or 4 days a week, on my A game, ready to do my part to get America on its feet again. After I take my morning swim, I'll tackle a grave problem or two. After my afternoon nap, I'll do it again! You see, there's no off switch on the genius machine! How would I handle a grave problem that may arise? Simple, I'd "kick it upstairs" or "kick it downstairs". You see, I've even mastered the mindless bureaucrat-speak. I learned from experts. When I was a kid, there was a guy around town named Cookie who was as strong as an ox and just as dumb. He was paid to shine shoes at the cardroom downtown and once he went to
Goodwill and bought 15 old pairs of shoes. He lined them all up where he shined shoes and when anyone asked for a shoe shine, Cookie would tell them he had to do all these other shoes first. After that, he wasn't bothered again. I could take that lesson and apply it to government work. I would be spending so much time trying to direct as much government bailout cash to me and my family, I wouldn't have time to help anyone else with their problems.

Maybe I could even work from home. That way I wouldn't have to listen to the problems of a bunch of losers. So what if your house got flooded out, my truck only gets 15 miles a gallon! Too bad your family got wiped out in a plane crash, my kitty has an ingrown claw! Yeah, I'm a good listener and like the previous administration, a good ignorer and forgetter too! Still looking for that government permit? Call back in a week. You want help? See Dr. Phil.

So you see, President Obama, I may be the solution to all your problems. Need someone to run OSHA, NASA, or the EPA or FEMA or any other letter combination? Talk to Maxie! After all, if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullcrap!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

America's saviors? Barack and Max!

The other day, Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States. Like millions of others, I was inspired by the events of the day and by the President's words. I decided right there I will change my ways. He said that we all must work together to get through these rough times. I've seen the light! I'll step up to the plate. I'll ring the brass bell. I'll fart at the campfire! To prove that I'm committed to the arduous task of helping drag America back from the abyss, I'm committing myself to the following from this day on:

-I will quit remarking how stupid the President is.
-I will quit referring to the Vice President as a pit bull with chapped lips.
-I will condemn torture of our enemies and reserve it for people who kill children.
-I will welcome back the writ of Habeas Corpus to our legal system.
-No more "Chicken Hawk" cracks.
-No more whining about how the White House is sublet to the oil companies.
-No more cracks about the new Presidential Library stocking only comic books.

There! See! I can take the tough stands and do what it takes to help America! If more of you follow my lead, then the light we see at the end of the tunnel will not be an approaching train!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I'm smart and you ain't!

Earlier today, I was browsing through a number of blogs on . Somehow, my blog had gotten on Condron and I had gotten some hits from there. No one ever stayed but it introduced me to the sight. Boy, is that an eye opener!

I always thought that I was knowledgeable, sorta interesting and a little goofy. I've written about topics that affect our way of life. Last year, even presidents would pore over my blog to find a reference to FUZBUKT and the mention of a shanker on my ass. I realize that this blog isn't Pulitzer material, but its not a forum for booger picking contests either. But as I looked at blogs from all over the world, I felt like Elmo at a presidential debate. Jeez, are people self-pretentious!

Most of the bloggers are self-proclaimed experts in some high brow subject or other. I could spend maybe 10 seconds reading their drivel and then I'd have to move on. The worse ones are the political ones. There's a ton of them against Israel's invasion of Gaza. Doesn't that sound like a real knee slapper? One of them went on and on for five or six pages and didn't once mention boogers, farts or belching! Yeah, yeah, the invasion wasn't nice, the bodies on the side of the roads was tragic but can't they think of anything funny?

When I did find the blogs of normal people, they never mentioned any names or locations. One lady called herself WeaselMama with weasel-like names for the kids and hubby. One even wrote about how she thought everyone had to accept a rodent-like persona. One guy was NukeDaddy with his kids referred to by their numbered order of arrival. None of these were half as interesting as they thought. Surely not as interesting as Laura, Krista, Kelli and Shannon's families. NukeDaddy's kids seemed liked caricatures, not great kids like Sarah, Seth, Marissa and Jaden!

I believe that I have a very good knowledge of railroading in America. It has always been interesting to me. The reason I don't blog much about railroading is because even though it interests me, to most others its a yawner. Likewise, the majority of the blogs I looked at was the result of someone blowing off about whatever his expertise is and rubbing our noses in it.

Therefore, I promise blogdom that I will not become a self-centered know it all who gives everyone a code name. Heck, I'm lucky to remember my name on cold days! If any of you readers are reading this on Condron.US, I didn't mean you personally, but everyone else!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Twenty-seven years ago, on an extremely cold and snowy night, my little "Honey bunny" was born. I can honestly say that it was one of the happiest days in my life. Shannon has made me honored to be her dad, every day of her life. So, happy birthday sweetie from your biggest admirer!

To commemorate this day, I have written a little song. It is sung to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". The last stanza, though, addresses a medical emergency in Shannon's family. It hope it spits out like a watermelon seed!

My lovely daughter Shannon has a birthday today.
She is turning twenty-seven in an undramatic way.
We are going out to dinner to celebrate the day!
The years are marching on!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! The years are marching on!

Her little daughter Jaden will be celebrating too!
She may be wondering why the waiters are singing "Happy birthday" to you!
Its plain to see if you've known Shannon since nineteen eighty-two.
Little Jaden is just like her.

Shannon, Shannon, we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon, we all love you! Little Jaden is just like her.

You know, she still looks like a schoolgirl to me.
Like her mom and her grandma, she's aging gracefully.
She'll still be a trophy wife when she is eighty-three!
Her gene's are shining through!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Her gene's are shining through!

To anyone who knows me, the facts are plain to see.
I have a major soft spot for my loving family.
So I would be remiss if I didn't sing to thee:
Happy Birthday Honey Bunny!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Happy Birthday Honey Bunny!

In passing, I have to mention how Mike's body is in shock!
His kidney stones returned with pain that is quite hard to block.
He is coping by biting down on a sock!
'Cause the stone is really a rock!

Oh Mike! We really feel for you! Oh Mike! We really feel for you!
Oh Mike! We really feel for you! 'Cause the stone is really a rock!