Friday, January 30, 2009

Yo! Prez! Talk to Maxie...

I read the other day where President Obama's (Doesn't that just roll off your tongue?) transition team is on the lookout for smart and effective administrators to replace the mindless bureaucrats of the Bush administration. Where do I volunteer? I can be as mindless as the next guy! As a matter of fact, I have taken great pride in my ability to exist nicely without engaging my mind at all! In the past, the Bush administration handled problems by reclassifying the problem to be an "opportunity" then ignoring it. I can ignore it without all that reclassifying crap.

Yeah, I'm sure that you are muttering to yourself that I may not be the stiffest collar in the shirt drawer or the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but jeez, look what I have to live up to. The bozos of the last eight years have lowered the bar all the way to the ground! I could be a street corner bum, in diapers, with a bottle of Thunderbird in my hand and I'd still be able to run FEMA better than "Brownie".

Just what jobs do I think I could handle? Plenty. Make me a procurement officer for the government. I ought to be able to find a toilet seat for less than $1000 or a wrench for less than $5000. See, I'm already saving the government big bucks. Make me a low-level functionary in the Fort Wayne office for, say $130,000/year and I'll be there 3 or 4 days a week, on my A game, ready to do my part to get America on its feet again. After I take my morning swim, I'll tackle a grave problem or two. After my afternoon nap, I'll do it again! You see, there's no off switch on the genius machine! How would I handle a grave problem that may arise? Simple, I'd "kick it upstairs" or "kick it downstairs". You see, I've even mastered the mindless bureaucrat-speak. I learned from experts. When I was a kid, there was a guy around town named Cookie who was as strong as an ox and just as dumb. He was paid to shine shoes at the cardroom downtown and once he went to
Goodwill and bought 15 old pairs of shoes. He lined them all up where he shined shoes and when anyone asked for a shoe shine, Cookie would tell them he had to do all these other shoes first. After that, he wasn't bothered again. I could take that lesson and apply it to government work. I would be spending so much time trying to direct as much government bailout cash to me and my family, I wouldn't have time to help anyone else with their problems.

Maybe I could even work from home. That way I wouldn't have to listen to the problems of a bunch of losers. So what if your house got flooded out, my truck only gets 15 miles a gallon! Too bad your family got wiped out in a plane crash, my kitty has an ingrown claw! Yeah, I'm a good listener and like the previous administration, a good ignorer and forgetter too! Still looking for that government permit? Call back in a week. You want help? See Dr. Phil.

So you see, President Obama, I may be the solution to all your problems. Need someone to run OSHA, NASA, or the EPA or FEMA or any other letter combination? Talk to Maxie! After all, if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullcrap!


Laura said...

Max for President!! (only after Obama's 8 years though)

fuzbukt said...

I nominate Max for Central INTELLIGENCE Agency. That would greatly raise the amount of intelligence in government.

Sic 'em, Max!