Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Recommended by "The Big O"!

Most people know that Oprah started a reading club a few years ago. Anyone lucky (or good) enough to get their book recommended by Oprah were assured of it becoming a best seller. Just think what the impact on our culture would be if Oprah started a blog reading club! Her recommended blogs would be read by millions and become defining influences of American life. I'm wondering what it would take for Oprah to recommend my humble and unassuming little blog. (I hear she is big on humility!)

First off, Oprah is currently in one of her "big boned" phases. That means that all references to one's body is out. She don't want reminded about the return of her saddlebags. That means I've got to eliminate all mentions of a shanker on someones ass. Also, got to quit talking about our recent weight loss. While she's busy packing on that third chin, she might get jealous.

Oprah likes to sit around shooting the bull. I do too! Maybe I should emphasize how good I'd look sitting on her couch discussing my blog. In the couch sitting world, I'm considered a visionary! "Yo Oprah, who ties your shoes?" And, did I say how I can carry a conversation?

It seems that "The Big O" (my pet name for Oprah) is big on animal rights. Just like me! I am currently owned by a kitty named Lucy. (You can see her on Gramma J's last blog entry, taking a nap in Jaden's play refrigerator.) I believe that no man stand so tall as he who stoops to pick up a kitty!

She likes to give gifts to her audience. I like to get gifts. Sorta sends a shiver up my back. Like all the other talk shows, when Oprah runs out of ideas, she just grabs some ugly schlump out of the audience and does a makeover on them. What a coincidence! If there is anyone on God's earth who desperately needs a makeover its me. I could write volumes of blog entries about how O changed my life by getting me that sweater or restyling what hair I have left. I hear that she likes fashion. Even though I wear only Sam's Club t-shirts and jeans, I can blog about fashion. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking about doing an entry about how wearing white socks with colored underwear is a fashion faux-pas.

Personally, there are a number of eerily similar things about me and Oprah. We both supported President Obama. She used to go to Reverend Wright's church in Chicago and I've gone by it on trains hundreds of times! Put a hoodie and jeans on us and you can't tell us apart from the rear! We both work in Chicago and live in Indiana. I've seen Lake Michigan. She probably owns it.

You know, now that I think about it, Oprah could probably learn alot from a fat white guy in his 50's. Give her the insight to transform that little dog and pony show of hers into something meaningful. Reading my stuff could make her hotter than two rats screwin' in a wool sock...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A stimulating experience!!

I've figured it out! It just came to me how to have an economic stimulus bill that will work! No, don't resod the national mall or buy rubbers for illegal aliens. Here's how to do it!

I'm sure you remember the economic stimulus bill last year that gave us all $600 to spend. Like good Americans, Jenny and I went out and bought a new hi-def TV with the money. I don't know about the economy, but that purchase stimulated that H.H. Gregg salesman! The reason that last year's stimulus plan didn't work was it stimulated the economy of the country that made that television, not ours.

The auto industry illustrates that quite clearly. When you buy a car built in America, the purchase price of that car circulates through the economy 13 times! It is paying taxes to five levels of government, including payroll taxes and wages not only to the auto company employees, but to the workers of the hundreds of supplier companies. Add to that, the purchase power of those employees, buying groceries, houses, cars, etc. Foreign cars that are assembled in America has less of an impact of an American made car because it is assembled from nearly all foreign made parts. There is nearly zero economic impact from suppliers. The purchase price of a foreign made car goes through the economy only once. A $20,000 Chevy has a $260,000 impact on the American economy and a $20,000 import has a $20,000 impact.

They're looking at 42% of the stimulus plan being tax cuts. That's O.K. if the cuts go to the people, not big business. Let me give an example. When President Bush was trying to get Congress to eliminate the capital gains tax on corporations in 2005, he said that those companies already paid taxes on that money once and we shouldn't tax it again. But that's not quite right. General Electric, one of the largest and most profitable companies in America, not only didn't pay any taxes in 2005, it ended the year with a $16,000,000 tax credit! Do they need more tax breaks? Uh-uh. You know what the real kick in the pants is on that G.E. tax credit? They have moved nearly all their consumer appliance manufacturing overseas, yet, are still getting these major tax subsidies.

So, here's my plan. Listen up Nancy Pelosi and John Behner. You too, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell.

Half the stimulus is tax cuts and tax changes. The other half is stimulus checks. The tax cuts, for people earning less than $200,000 a year would be a REFUND OF TAXES PAID. If the amount is $1,000 per person, for an example, and the taxes due on your adjusted gross income is only $400, then you only get $400. The tax changes for corporations would be that after a company figures out all their deductions on their tax forms, they will only be able to deduct the same percentage of their deductions as the percentage of their American manufacturing. Say G.E.'s revenues accrued from products that had 75% foreign manufacture and 25% American manufacture. Then, only 25% of their deductions would be deductible. Don't reward them for selling out their American workers!

Last but not least is the stimulus checks. They would be sent out in the form of a debit card, with an impressed name and only sent to American citizens and taxpayers of record. Picture ID's, proving that it is the buyer's card, are mandatory. These debit cards will be able to purchase services and goods that are made in America only! You want to buy a bike? You'll have to buy an American made bike that will stimulate the American economy and not the Chinese one. Buy groceries, whatever. Retailers can mark their products with a star to help you out. When the government gets the receipts back and finds a foreign product purchased, it will send a 1099 form to that person to recover that money on their next tax returns and can charge a penalty to the retailer for taking the card on an illegal purchase.

There you go. A stimulus plan that will work and thought up by a guy who shouldn't have to think so much! Senators and Representatives, vote in this package and you might win re-election. Barack, you owe me one!!