Sunday, September 21, 2008

Oaf of Office

In this election year, I'm sure that you have seen about all the political ads you can stand. I'm sure that most of the politicians running for office have a specific plan to get themselves elected. The ones who know what they're doing get elected and the rest yell for a recount. If you ever listen to them, you would notice that they all have a regular stump speech they give over and over. The real trick to winning is to write a first class stump speech and ride that pony all the way to election day. Good stump speeches can be generic and be used for just about any office sought. Karl Rove is known for supplying Bush with one that got him elected twice. It was a beauty. Made a war hero look like a traitor and a draft dodger look like a patriot. Is America great or what?

I've been giving some thought to what my stump speech would sound like if I ran for office. Maybe something like this:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming today. I am very happy to have this opportunity to talk to you about the upcoming election. My worthwhile opponent couldn't make it tonight. The Communist Party meeting must have ran long. Or, maybe that foreign car of his broke down. Doesn't matter. You probably couldn't understand his slurred speech anyway!

"I want to represent you because I embody your values. I go to a church with a white preacher who doesn't bad mouth the U.S.A. like what's-his-name's does. Every weekend, my church group goes hunting with our automatic rifles before we watch the NASCAR race. My opponent and his PETA friends looked to adopt a skunk before they went to his brother's gay wedding. As you can see, my hair is well groomed while he has a greasy mullet.

"He'll take your gun! I'll go shooting beer cans with you! He'll raise your taxes, I'll spend 'em. He'll do anything to get elected. He even speaks Mexican. I only speak American and if you don't like it, go back to where you came from!

"As you know, my opponent is a lawyer. He's probably chasing an ambulance as we speak. I'm no such thing. I work for a living. It takes real guts to work the night shift at the Quik-Mart! Let my guts work for you too!

"The other day, this bozo I'm running against was whining on and on about the poor education system we got. Heck, my kids got through it O.K. His must be a couple of dopes.

"There's a good reason why my opponent isn't running on his record. Its because his record includes wife beating, kicking his dog and wienie wagging in public. He's been in jail. I've never been caught!

"In conclusion, I'd like you to know that I'm not running for office because I'm power hungry like what's-his-name. I'm only running because it was my mom's wish that one of her boys could make it to the state house instead of the state farm."

Yeah, armed with this baby, I can't lose. I ought to run for Congress because I'd hate to waste this speech on a local election! And, if I run, I have some more great ideas! For the debate, I'll wear a "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt. Maybe change my name to Abraham Lincoln...

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm near, therefore I am...

Disclaimer: I know that I said that this would be an apolitical blog. The views here aren't supposed to be political, but comedic.

While I was watching the Republican Convention the other day, CNN was interviewing a Gov. Huntsman (of Utah, I think). This guy was gushing on and on that since Alaska was close to Russia and next to Canada, then Gov. Palin had serious foreign relations credentials, even though she has never left the country! Duh! If being in close proximity of something gives you expertise with it, then I'm wasting my time riding trains! It seems that, using the Republican model, I've assimilated some major knowledge.

For instance, I'm writing this in a motel that's a quarter mile from Midway Airport in Chicago. That makes me an expert on the entire air line industry! (Overbook all flights, gouge the passengers and file bankruptcy whenever its time to negotiate with labor.) On Monday, a jet flew right over me as it was coming in for a landing while I was on my walk. It was close enough to make me able to pilot it! (Full flaps Scotty!)

Last week, I had a check-up and sat in the doctor's waiting room for 25 minutes. I know I "Palined" a ton of medical know-how during the wait. I will be taking appointments next week. I need to ask Gov. Palin, though, if I can write M.D. after my name too. Should be O.K. (That shanker on your butt? Take 2 Advil and say 3 Hail Mary's.)

Sometimes, this philosophy brings more responsibility than I'm willing to accept. On my walk in Chicago, I passed by a place called "Midway Colo-Rectal Clinic". I don't even want to know what I could've learned there! (No, that is not my finger!) I've been to Washington D.C. Doesn't that make me an expert about everything? (WMD really meant: Dubya's a Mean Dude.) I've driven through Nashville so I should know all about Country Music. (Is there a Grandma Jones?) Been to Charlotte, Atlanta, Indy and once drove by Michigan International Speedway so that makes me a NASCAR expert. (Dick Trickle is still my favorite driver!"

But, it seems that even I can't be infused with all the local knowledge of everywhere I go. I was stationed near Boston in the Army. Yet, I still can't explain why they elected Mitt the governor! I've been to New Jersey but don't know the first thing about making mob hits! I've been to Philly but can't explain why they use Cheez-Wiz on the cheesesteaks. I've been to Detroit twice and still can't figure out why it isn't a ghost town. Could it be I didn't "Palin" the information there like I should have? Could it be that the whole "Palin effect" of information gathering is a real crock?

Well, I'll tell you. I've been to Wasilla, Alaska. Two of my brothers used to live there. While I was there, I never had the urge to wear mukluks or say "Ay" at the end of every sentence. I was not infused with any sudden insights about Russia or Canada. How could that be? I should be the foreign relations expert! I should be the Vice Presidential nominee! Oh wait. I was never in a beauty pageant. I hope the governor has the same finish in this beauty pageant that she had in her first one!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Tennessee Travelers

I know that all of you see me as a workaholic who is all work and no play. I hate to burst your bubble but I just spent a wonderful time in the Smokies with Jenny and all the family. Boy, did I have a good time. The reason is because I didn't have a hand in planning the trip! Here is the great cabin that we rented.

Now, if I had been the one to make the arrangements, the cabin probably would've looked like this. As you can see, the architect of this place probably graduated from Purdue!

Jenny and I were lucky to have our entire family here: Shannon, Mike, Jaden, Shane and Ashley. Frank and the kitties had to stay home and were missed.

When I got home on Sunday, I was more relaxed than when I left on Thursday and isn't that the purpose of a vacation? Also, the time was also spent celebrating my birthday, the 55th annual Maxmas Day. Shannon baked a delicious cake. I officially didn't know that she was baking it. When it comes to playing stupid, I've been told that I'm a natural. Jaden got me a beautiful picture frame (that will go on the table next to my computer) with her picture in it. Shannon and Mike got me a neat "Crean and Crimson" t-shirt and Shane and Ashley got me a cool Tabasco apron. That was a real stroke of genius. By wearing the apron at suppertime (and I will at home) my clothes and new t-shirts won't have all those greasy stains on the front. I don't think this means that Shane and Ashley think I'm a slob. (They know it like every other living being in America!!)

Here is a picture of Shane dancing with Jaden. I'm putting this in here as proof that there are living Teders' who can dance! (Can you read this, Gene?) I believe that I am an excellent dancer. But in order to prevent embarrassment and shame for my family, I have refrained from dancing ever since my wedding reception.

If anyone wants to see the really neat pictures of this vacation, please see the latest posts on Jenny and Shannon's blogs.
Oh by the way, the reason I now have photographs on my blog is because Jenny got me a great digital camera for my birthday. Someday she'll probably kick herself for that one!