Sunday, March 22, 2009

What is bird for "Get outa here!"

As I was slaving away at the taxes this morning, Jenny noticed a bird carrying straw and twigs into the side holes of the gas grill. Being the dumb one of the family, I went out and lifted the lid of the grill. It was becoming a huge bird's nest. There was straw weaved all the way through the briquettes, grills and gas jets. Luckily, it wasn't finished. After I cleaned out as much as I could, I burned out any leftover straw I might have missed. As I was doing this, the birds came back and boy were they mad! After about 15 minutes, my frugality kicked in. I turned off the gas and stuffed the holes with wads of newspaper.

This really torqued off that stupid bird. He stood on a nearby tree limb, flapping his wings, spinning in circles and squawking up a dickens. After the grill cooled down some, the bird came back and his demeanor hadn't improved one bit. He was crawling all over the grill looking for a way into it. The wads of newspaper were particularly irksome for him and his girl-friend bird. If they wise up and pull out the paper, I'll have to invest in a sling shot.

Now, this isn't the first time I've had animal issues with this grill. Last year, I had wasp nests in the handle. What does Mother Nature have against my grill? I use "natural" gas. Its not as if that black starling is related to those chicken wings I grilled last fall. They were unrecognizable as to species, but were way too big to be starling wings. Hey bird! If that's your problem, go build a nest at that Vietnamese restaurant!

He's also pretty nervous. Every time I go outside to get a nice picture of him squawking on the basketball backboard, he flies off as soon as the door clicks. What's he have to be nervous about. Besides trespassing in my stinking gas grill.

I thought maybe I could Doctor Doolittle the damn thing but that didn't work. I learned that starlings are a lot like railroad officials. No matter how much common sense a suggestion may have, it will be ignored in favor of an original plan that doesn't work. Do you hear that bird? If you succeed with your twisted plan, the first time we grill breasts, we'll have an extra one! Yours! He's just standing there on the backboard with his little wingtips in his ears. Hey bird! Even the railroad would have figured out after spending thousands of dollars and a month studying it that it is not a good idea to build a nest in a gas grill! Get with the program, Jeckle!

Now, if this was New Jersey, I'd just order a mob hit on the darn thing. Plant his little feet in a small block of cement and throw him into a bird bath. Make a little Starling Cacciatore!

How would politicians handle the situation? Obama would point out to him an empty bird house in the neighbor's yard and convince him it would be easier to live there since those people are dumber and less threatening. (They don't have any friends from Jersey!) McCain would have ordered a drone attack on it. In Congress, the Democrats would have instituted a grill use tax while the Republicans would have shipped him off to Guantanamo!

Even though I'm pretty much speechless, as is normal, I know what Jenny would have to say about this whole situation: "Quit screwin' around and get on those taxes!!"


Shannon said...

I was all set to leave a comment but when the window popped up, all I could do was smile and shake my head while thinking, "oh Dad." I think I might know what to get deal 'ol Dad for his b-day... a GRILL COVER!!! and a bird house ;o)

Laura said...

BB guns work well on grill varmints.

fuzbukt said...

Think of it this way, Max....

How often do you get flipped off by a bird?

fuzbukt said...

Yo, Max, found just the guy for your little job.

Vinnie the Seagull, chief enforcer with the Boardwalk flock, says he'll turn that pesky starling into a pedestrian (break both wings) for 5,000 clams, shucked of course.

Now, the cement booties job? That'll cost you 50,000 clams, served on the half shell and don't forget the hot sauce.