Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"There he went, Fudd!!"

As my last post iterates, its springtime in America. Animals, especially the dumb ones, have migrated back to our back yards. They've come out of their burrows, nests, hives and holes to make their homes in my yard. If it has a stinger, I'll find its nest somewhere very inconvenient, like the hollow handle of my gas grill. Yeah, getting stung when you lift the lid on the grill just adds to the grilling experience.

Besides my yearly infestation of hornets and wasps, the pests that get on my nerves the most is rabbits. Since the dumb bunnies make their nests in the middle of the yard, I'll invariably mow off the top of at least one when I mow the first time. They use a lot of hair in their nests so when the mower shoots out a wad of hair, I know a bunny nest just lost its roof. Well, you say, what harm could a "widdle wabbit" do anyway? Plenty! Have you ever seen a Bugs Bunny cartoon? Its based on FACT! Lately, I've been eating a lot of vegetables and I'd like to have a little garden where I could grow some of my favorite veggies. Not with those varmints in my yard! Ask Shannon what happened to her pepper plants two years ago. The rabbits ate 'em. All the way to the ground. With those buck teeth and beady eyes. Just when she was ready to enjoy a couple hot peppers, along came some bestial bunnies to eat not only the peppers, but the whole stinking plant!

Now, it those bucktoothed barbarians would eat the broccoli or cauliflower, I could possibly be tolerant. But when they eat the green bean and pepper plants they deserve no mercy! I proudly displayed a box of rabbit meat in my freezer for 3 years before we finally pitched it.

Next month, the Easter Bunny will be back, jacking our kids up with sugar, making them fat and rotting their teeth. I heard on Fox News that a group of rabbits were major stockholders of Hershey's, Mars and the Tootsie Roll companies. Therefore, the so-called Easter Bunny is actually a shill for the candy companies. As for the candy, the rabbits don't even like to eat it. Not when they can stroll into my yard and belly up to the Teders Salad Bar.

Those of you rabbit apologists out there who think that the little bunny in the fat guy's yard is an innocent bystander, take a second look at its actions. If it was innocent, it would traipse through my yard, easy as you please. But no, its out there, running around suspiciously. What's it running from? Whose garden has he just raided? And when they stop, just look at those red, beady eyes. Oh, you say to yourself "Its so cute and fluffy..." Well and Hitler used to wear a fur coat! I'm not saying that rabbits are Nazis or anything but, I haven't seen any squirrels in my yard since the rabbits invaded.

Finally, the last thing in the world I want to do is scare little kids, like my dear Jaden, away from the Easter Bunny. All I'm saying is, when you take the kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny, keep the mace handy!


fuzbukt said...

Wow, Max, you musta really pissed off Mother Nature

fuzbukt said...

Here it is EAster.

Bet the Easter Bunny passed by your house,Max!