Walking with Giants!!

I'm sorry that its been so long since I wrote an entry. Its not that I've been busy and couldn't find the time. If you want the real truth, things have been sorta slow lately and I've been on vacation the last week. I just haven't had anything to say. Those that know me know that having nothing to say has never stopped me from saying something. So, even though I am affected with 100% writer's block, I'll muddle ahead because that's the kind of guy I am. First, let me make some observations...

Jenny's dad, Wayne, is nearing maintenance weight on his lifestyle change. His dedication to proper diet and exercise has him looking great! He's been leading the way for me and deserves an enormous "Way to go!"
Last weekend, at the Home and Garden Show, I met Shannon's co-worker and Laura's husband Dalen. (Though officially known as Sara's dad) What an interesting guy. There's someone who needs to write a blog.


One of my life's greatest pleasures is my little granddaughter Jaden. Like anyone else, she has her favorite TV stars. Jaden's three favorites are Arthur, (Curious) George and Clifford. At the Home and Garden Show on Wednesday, I got my picture taken with two of the big three!
(Rotating the picture sorta squashed me a bit.) Ordinarily I don't grovel at the feet of celebrities but think of the street cred with Jaden I got with this picture. I'm hanging with the superstars!

Afterwards, Jenny had to get a picture with me. Sorta like basking in the glow. I even had to fight off the urge to dress in all yellow. Couldn't find a 10 gallon yellow hat in my size anyway.

For the time being, I'm back on the Garrett to Cleveland run. The guys with more seniority than me have found what they believe to be better jobs elsewhere. I can hold three turns in the Cleveland pool so I ought to be able to ride it out for awhile. Now that I said that, I'll probably be rolled out of this pool before I get back to Garrett on my first turn. Also, this trip I'm working with the Junior Rush Limbaugh that I described in a blog last October. What a treat. Sorta makes me want to deregulate something or torture someone.

As many of you know, my lovely daughter Shannon is expecting again. She is due in September and her mother and I could not be more excited! This blessed event makes it more imperative that I keep focused on my diet. Then, when she gets to be eight months pregnant, maybe everyone won't comment how much she looks like her dad!

Recommended by "The Big O"!

Most people know that Oprah started a reading club a few years ago. Anyone lucky (or good) enough to get their book recommended by Oprah were assured of it becoming a best seller. Just think what the impact on our culture would be if Oprah started a blog reading club! Her recommended blogs would be read by millions and become defining influences of American life. I'm wondering what it would take for Oprah to recommend my humble and unassuming little blog. (I hear she is big on humility!)

First off, Oprah is currently in one of her "big boned" phases. That means that all references to one's body is out. She don't want reminded about the return of her saddlebags. That means I've got to eliminate all mentions of a shanker on someones ass. Also, got to quit talking about our recent weight loss. While she's busy packing on that third chin, she might get jealous.

Oprah likes to sit around shooting the bull. I do too! Maybe I should emphasize how good I'd look sitting on her couch discussing my blog. In the couch sitting world, I'm considered a visionary! "Yo Oprah, who ties your shoes?" And, did I say how I can carry a conversation?

It seems that "The Big O" (my pet name for Oprah) is big on animal rights. Just like me! I am currently owned by a kitty named Lucy. (You can see her on Gramma J's last blog entry, taking a nap in Jaden's play refrigerator.) I believe that no man stand so tall as he who stoops to pick up a kitty!

She likes to give gifts to her audience. I like to get gifts. Sorta sends a shiver up my back. Like all the other talk shows, when Oprah runs out of ideas, she just grabs some ugly schlump out of the audience and does a makeover on them. What a coincidence! If there is anyone on God's earth who desperately needs a makeover its me. I could write volumes of blog entries about how O changed my life by getting me that sweater or restyling what hair I have left. I hear that she likes fashion. Even though I wear only Sam's Club t-shirts and jeans, I can blog about fashion. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking about doing an entry about how wearing white socks with colored underwear is a fashion faux-pas.

Personally, there are a number of eerily similar things about me and Oprah. We both supported President Obama. She used to go to Reverend Wright's church in Chicago and I've gone by it on trains hundreds of times! Put a hoodie and jeans on us and you can't tell us apart from the rear! We both work in Chicago and live in Indiana. I've seen Lake Michigan. She probably owns it.

You know, now that I think about it, Oprah could probably learn alot from a fat white guy in his 50's. Give her the insight to transform that little dog and pony show of hers into something meaningful. Reading my stuff could make her hotter than two rats screwin' in a wool sock...

A stimulating experience!!

I've figured it out! It just came to me how to have an economic stimulus bill that will work! No, don't resod the national mall or buy rubbers for illegal aliens. Here's how to do it!

I'm sure you remember the economic stimulus bill last year that gave us all $600 to spend. Like good Americans, Jenny and I went out and bought a new hi-def TV with the money. I don't know about the economy, but that purchase stimulated that H.H. Gregg salesman! The reason that last year's stimulus plan didn't work was it stimulated the economy of the country that made that television, not ours.

The auto industry illustrates that quite clearly. When you buy a car built in America, the purchase price of that car circulates through the economy 13 times! It is paying taxes to five levels of government, including payroll taxes and wages not only to the auto company employees, but to the workers of the hundreds of supplier companies. Add to that, the purchase power of those employees, buying groceries, houses, cars, etc. Foreign cars that are assembled in America has less of an impact of an American made car because it is assembled from nearly all foreign made parts. There is nearly zero economic impact from suppliers. The purchase price of a foreign made car goes through the economy only once. A $20,000 Chevy has a $260,000 impact on the American economy and a $20,000 import has a $20,000 impact.

They're looking at 42% of the stimulus plan being tax cuts. That's O.K. if the cuts go to the people, not big business. Let me give an example. When President Bush was trying to get Congress to eliminate the capital gains tax on corporations in 2005, he said that those companies already paid taxes on that money once and we shouldn't tax it again. But that's not quite right. General Electric, one of the largest and most profitable companies in America, not only didn't pay any taxes in 2005, it ended the year with a $16,000,000 tax credit! Do they need more tax breaks? Uh-uh. You know what the real kick in the pants is on that G.E. tax credit? They have moved nearly all their consumer appliance manufacturing overseas, yet, are still getting these major tax subsidies.

So, here's my plan. Listen up Nancy Pelosi and John Behner. You too, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell.

Half the stimulus is tax cuts and tax changes. The other half is stimulus checks. The tax cuts, for people earning less than $200,000 a year would be a REFUND OF TAXES PAID. If the amount is $1,000 per person, for an example, and the taxes due on your adjusted gross income is only $400, then you only get $400. The tax changes for corporations would be that after a company figures out all their deductions on their tax forms, they will only be able to deduct the same percentage of their deductions as the percentage of their American manufacturing. Say G.E.'s revenues accrued from products that had 75% foreign manufacture and 25% American manufacture. Then, only 25% of their deductions would be deductible. Don't reward them for selling out their American workers!

Last but not least is the stimulus checks. They would be sent out in the form of a debit card, with an impressed name and only sent to American citizens and taxpayers of record. Picture ID's, proving that it is the buyer's card, are mandatory. These debit cards will be able to purchase services and goods that are made in America only! You want to buy a bike? You'll have to buy an American made bike that will stimulate the American economy and not the Chinese one. Buy groceries, whatever. Retailers can mark their products with a star to help you out. When the government gets the receipts back and finds a foreign product purchased, it will send a 1099 form to that person to recover that money on their next tax returns and can charge a penalty to the retailer for taking the card on an illegal purchase.

There you go. A stimulus plan that will work and thought up by a guy who shouldn't have to think so much! Senators and Representatives, vote in this package and you might win re-election. Barack, you owe me one!!

Yo! Prez! Talk to Maxie...

I read the other day where President Obama's (Doesn't that just roll off your tongue?) transition team is on the lookout for smart and effective administrators to replace the mindless bureaucrats of the Bush administration. Where do I volunteer? I can be as mindless as the next guy! As a matter of fact, I have taken great pride in my ability to exist nicely without engaging my mind at all! In the past, the Bush administration handled problems by reclassifying the problem to be an "opportunity" then ignoring it. I can ignore it without all that reclassifying crap.

Yeah, I'm sure that you are muttering to yourself that I may not be the stiffest collar in the shirt drawer or the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but jeez, look what I have to live up to. The bozos of the last eight years have lowered the bar all the way to the ground! I could be a street corner bum, in diapers, with a bottle of Thunderbird in my hand and I'd still be able to run FEMA better than "Brownie".

Just what jobs do I think I could handle? Plenty. Make me a procurement officer for the government. I ought to be able to find a toilet seat for less than $1000 or a wrench for less than $5000. See, I'm already saving the government big bucks. Make me a low-level functionary in the Fort Wayne office for, say $130,000/year and I'll be there 3 or 4 days a week, on my A game, ready to do my part to get America on its feet again. After I take my morning swim, I'll tackle a grave problem or two. After my afternoon nap, I'll do it again! You see, there's no off switch on the genius machine! How would I handle a grave problem that may arise? Simple, I'd "kick it upstairs" or "kick it downstairs". You see, I've even mastered the mindless bureaucrat-speak. I learned from experts. When I was a kid, there was a guy around town named Cookie who was as strong as an ox and just as dumb. He was paid to shine shoes at the cardroom downtown and once he went to
Goodwill and bought 15 old pairs of shoes. He lined them all up where he shined shoes and when anyone asked for a shoe shine, Cookie would tell them he had to do all these other shoes first. After that, he wasn't bothered again. I could take that lesson and apply it to government work. I would be spending so much time trying to direct as much government bailout cash to me and my family, I wouldn't have time to help anyone else with their problems.

Maybe I could even work from home. That way I wouldn't have to listen to the problems of a bunch of losers. So what if your house got flooded out, my truck only gets 15 miles a gallon! Too bad your family got wiped out in a plane crash, my kitty has an ingrown claw! Yeah, I'm a good listener and like the previous administration, a good ignorer and forgetter too! Still looking for that government permit? Call back in a week. You want help? See Dr. Phil.

So you see, President Obama, I may be the solution to all your problems. Need someone to run OSHA, NASA, or the EPA or FEMA or any other letter combination? Talk to Maxie! After all, if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullcrap!

America's saviors? Barack and Max!

The other day, Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States. Like millions of others, I was inspired by the events of the day and by the President's words. I decided right there I will change my ways. He said that we all must work together to get through these rough times. I've seen the light! I'll step up to the plate. I'll ring the brass bell. I'll fart at the campfire! To prove that I'm committed to the arduous task of helping drag America back from the abyss, I'm committing myself to the following from this day on:

-I will quit remarking how stupid the President is.
-I will quit referring to the Vice President as a pit bull with chapped lips.
-I will condemn torture of our enemies and reserve it for people who kill children.
-I will welcome back the writ of Habeas Corpus to our legal system.
-No more "Chicken Hawk" cracks.
-No more whining about how the White House is sublet to the oil companies.
-No more cracks about the new Presidential Library stocking only comic books.

There! See! I can take the tough stands and do what it takes to help America! If more of you follow my lead, then the light we see at the end of the tunnel will not be an approaching train!

I'm smart and you ain't!

Earlier today, I was browsing through a number of blogs on www.condron.us/blogroll.aspx . Somehow, my blog had gotten on Condron and I had gotten some hits from there. No one ever stayed but it introduced me to the sight. Boy, is that an eye opener!

I always thought that I was knowledgeable, sorta interesting and a little goofy. I've written about topics that affect our way of life. Last year, even presidents would pore over my blog to find a reference to FUZBUKT and the mention of a shanker on my ass. I realize that this blog isn't Pulitzer material, but its not a forum for booger picking contests either. But as I looked at blogs from all over the world, I felt like Elmo at a presidential debate. Jeez, are people self-pretentious!

Most of the bloggers are self-proclaimed experts in some high brow subject or other. I could spend maybe 10 seconds reading their drivel and then I'd have to move on. The worse ones are the political ones. There's a ton of them against Israel's invasion of Gaza. Doesn't that sound like a real knee slapper? One of them went on and on for five or six pages and didn't once mention boogers, farts or belching! Yeah, yeah, the invasion wasn't nice, the bodies on the side of the roads was tragic but can't they think of anything funny?

When I did find the blogs of normal people, they never mentioned any names or locations. One lady called herself WeaselMama with weasel-like names for the kids and hubby. One even wrote about how she thought everyone had to accept a rodent-like persona. One guy was NukeDaddy with his kids referred to by their numbered order of arrival. None of these were half as interesting as they thought. Surely not as interesting as Laura, Krista, Kelli and Shannon's families. NukeDaddy's kids seemed liked caricatures, not great kids like Sarah, Seth, Marissa and Jaden!

I believe that I have a very good knowledge of railroading in America. It has always been interesting to me. The reason I don't blog much about railroading is because even though it interests me, to most others its a yawner. Likewise, the majority of the blogs I looked at was the result of someone blowing off about whatever his expertise is and rubbing our noses in it.

Therefore, I promise blogdom that I will not become a self-centered know it all who gives everyone a code name. Heck, I'm lucky to remember my name on cold days! If any of you readers are reading this on Condron.US, I didn't mean you personally, but everyone else!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Twenty-seven years ago, on an extremely cold and snowy night, my little "Honey bunny" was born. I can honestly say that it was one of the happiest days in my life. Shannon has made me honored to be her dad, every day of her life. So, happy birthday sweetie from your biggest admirer!

To commemorate this day, I have written a little song. It is sung to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". The last stanza, though, addresses a medical emergency in Shannon's family. It hope it spits out like a watermelon seed!

My lovely daughter Shannon has a birthday today.
She is turning twenty-seven in an undramatic way.
We are going out to dinner to celebrate the day!
The years are marching on!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! The years are marching on!

Her little daughter Jaden will be celebrating too!
She may be wondering why the waiters are singing "Happy birthday" to you!
Its plain to see if you've known Shannon since nineteen eighty-two.
Little Jaden is just like her.

Shannon, Shannon, we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon, we all love you! Little Jaden is just like her.

You know, she still looks like a schoolgirl to me.
Like her mom and her grandma, she's aging gracefully.
She'll still be a trophy wife when she is eighty-three!
Her gene's are shining through!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Her gene's are shining through!

To anyone who knows me, the facts are plain to see.
I have a major soft spot for my loving family.
So I would be remiss if I didn't sing to thee:
Happy Birthday Honey Bunny!

Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Shannon, Shannon we all love you!
Shannon, Shannon we all love you! Happy Birthday Honey Bunny!

In passing, I have to mention how Mike's body is in shock!
His kidney stones returned with pain that is quite hard to block.
He is coping by biting down on a sock!
'Cause the stone is really a rock!

Oh Mike! We really feel for you! Oh Mike! We really feel for you!
Oh Mike! We really feel for you! 'Cause the stone is really a rock!